Have you ever watched TV's “Supernanny”? C'mon. You're cruising the channels, when suddenly you hear that unmistakable British bleat setting clueless Yankee parents straight. So you stop. How can you not? It's like watching someone prevent a train wreck. (Clearly some of those children are on the fast track to reform school and nothing that sensible young lady does will keep those little sociopaths out of the klink.)
Anyway...
Not that I'm an inveterate knitting teacher, but I'm convinced that the fastest way to learn is to install a home knitter. It'd be like the Nanny. You'd swoop in dressed in your tidy English suit, assess the situation (can't tell the difference between a knit and purl stitch; knits backwards; twists stitches; knits the double loop on the first stitch of a row) and then return wearing comfortable shoes ready to do battle.
You'd set boundaries. No lace knitting until you learn to purl. You'd develop rewards. Dark chocolate for carrying your working yarn. And you'd punish. You didn't measure your gauge? It's the naughty chair for you!
Okay. Who's sending the proposal to ABC?