Writers often find themselves in the position of learning new stuff. I can’t tell you how many times over the years I’ve said, “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.” Or “I’m in over my head this time.” People who hire writers think we have magical powers to absorb industry lingo, technical data and politics and deliver dynamic, clear copy.

Yeah, maybe.

This was especially true when I freelanced for the telecom industry and had editorial dominion over a “resystemization newsletter”; the company was retooling all its software for the year 2000 and I got to write about it. And write about it. And write about it. Here’s a sample of my work: “When an application enters beta testing, it is tested in a controlled lab environment where software, hardware connections, database interfaces, hands-on user performance and developer trouble-shooting are tested together. During system integration testing, the application is stress tested and checked for overall system compatibility.”

 I wanted to disembowel myself.

I recently wrote about a military family where I got completely flumoxed by the 21st battalion air squad this or the 101st brigade and division that and is a major a bigger deal than a captain—I should’ve remembered from “MASH,” huh?—and is Tikrit south of Mosul which is North of Baghdad and is it Ali al something air base in Iraq or Kuwait and let’s not even discuss the acronyms.

So now I want to design a sweater or two and have no idea where to begin. I love the Knitware software, but really need to figure out how to do it more organically. Is every set-in sleeve same? Surely not, that would be too easy. And how do necklines change if an armpit changes? Do you just measure old sweaters and do the math? And how do you handle sizing? And where does one go to learn? Then how do you “draw” schematics electronically? Does Microsoft Publisher do that?

Anyway, just askin’, 'cause I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

I don’t need you Lizard Ridge, I really don’t. Liz (at this point, we can use our diminutives, no?) go find some other knitters. There’s a nice Leapin’ Lizards Knitalong just for you. They’ve even posted links to discounted Kureyon sources and everything. Please, someone tell Liz to go away. I don’t want to be her friend.

Then Stephanie had to go knit Liz and she looked splendid. Just stunning. So, now I’m like all jealous. I’m thinking I wanna be friends now, but can’t get around the wave thing. I’m thinking, she might be too high maintenance, too needy. OK, I give. I’ll knit one square. Just one. Just to see if I'm up for the challenge. I’ll only get one skein of yarn. That'll protect me. Then I’ll forget to pick up my wraps. And I’ll break the yarn. And I won’t block it. And, I'll tangle my skein into a knotted mess. So there.

Golly gopher guts and gosh darn. Know what? It’s like hanging out with the cool kids by the locker, it’s that good.

Noro Kureyon, color 184

Michael: I don't know anyone who could get through the day without two or three juicy rationalizations. They're more important than sex.
Sam Weber: Ah, come on. Nothing's more important than sex.
Michael: Oh yeah? Ever gone a week without a rationalization?

From The Big Chill, 1983

OK, so I bought yarn. But get this: Between some unused skeins I returned for credit and my Christmas gift certificate (thanks, Mom!), I ended up making two bucks on the deal. Plus women of a certain age need some red in their lives.

Araucania Limari Semi Solids in color 504

In the comments yesterday, Nancy left this suggestion:

“Check your local library website to see if you have 'borrowing privileges' at NetLibrary. Lots of classic and contemporary lit available.“

The Denver Public Library being what it is--amazing--not only do we have borrowing privileges at NetLibrary (though it seems our privileges are limited to eBooks), DPL has its own eAudio book holdings. (Interesting. When I typed the keyword “knitting” into the NetLibrary search engine, it offered these related topics: textile arts, bibiliographies and diseases.) In addition to the expected Jules Verne titles and Jane Austen novels, DPL has eAudio goodies like A.S. Byatt's Possession and Antonia Fraser's new bio of Marie Antoinette!

It's a brave new world we live in. See you later. I'll be spending the day with my Ipod.

Late breaking news: Apparently I am mistaken. eAudio books don't speak to Ipods. The evil emplire strikes again. Gah!

This from DPL:

At the end of last year, I bought a refurbished Ipod Mini on Ebay, mostly to listen to knitting podcasts while knitting, or the occasional audio book to help speed the long hours of cleaning and drudgery here at Nake-id Knits. (I’m just a regular Cinderella, folks.)

Audio books tend to be prohibitively expensive; compare the Amazon price of Special Projects in Calamity Physics, $17.13 for the hardcover, $26.37 for the audio edition. Perhaps they’re wildly expensive to produce, which seems odd given that digital media costs pennies compared to printing . No doubt publishers must pay experienced “voices,” directors and producers for these projects, thereby jacking up the investment. Nonetheless, some of us still place a higher value on the printed word than recorded texts, making it easier to part with money for books than parting with money for audio tomes.

LibriVox and other sites provide us with free audio downloads, though the collections are typically a weird amalgam of non-copyrighted stuff most of us have already read or avoided through the years. (Can you imagine Lord Jim carrying you through a sleeve or thorough closet cleaning, or Notes from the Underground?) Happily, though, Brenda Dayne (cast-on.com) is in the process of finishing Age of Innocence for the site—that might get me through a few toliet bowls, wouldn’t it you?

I do wish there were more dead black women among the mix of dead white men featured (African-American lit being an area where my education needs bolstering). But given our history and the amount of time it takes for something to enter the public domain, I should probably just head to the library.

At least when the snow comes this week, my Ipod will be nice and toasty.

Knit from Phoenix Bess’ pattern for a Leopard Cell Phone Cover using Knit Picks Wool of the Andes in Fog, Mist and Coal.

It's official. They've expired. Can we take naps now?

Happy Friday!

Blogging teaches many skills, among them: Work avoidance, spouse neglect and the ability to punt when there’s absolutely nothing to say. Considering everything, what you are about to read ain’t that bad.

The Wednesday Miscellany New Year, New Projects Edition

1. The new Vogue Knitting is out, featuring an absolutely smashing shrug on the cover by Norah Gaughan (man, that woman can cable). Be sure, too, to check out the extremely well-crafted article by yours truly (ahem) on the up-and-coming teen designer, Phoenix Bess.

2. Better late than never: The not-so-new Knit Simple contains some cool knits, among them a modern take on a cabled hat/scarf set and some eminently totable bags. (Love the stripey one, folks, but where’d she get her boots?)

3. The collar featured on the January 2007 edition of MagKnits is an over-the-top salad of knit leaves, yarn leavings and fancy stitching. Make a fun addition to Mardi Gras, nes pas?

4. The always-clever Knitscene hides some gems under its cover—a practical mesh shopping bag by Chrissy Gardiner and the must-knit apron (aprons, my foodie friends tell me, are back in a big way) by Jennifer L. Appleby. And tell me, why isn’t anyone in Blogville knitting Kate Gilbert’s Strawberry Clutch? I just want to eat it up.

5. I’m dying to knit the cover stole from Victorian Lace Today, as if I didn’t have enough tsouris. And the skirt from Melissa Leapman’s Cables Untangled: An Exploration of Cable Knitting. And Norah Gaughan’s asymmetrical cardie from VK Fall ‘06.

Oh, and I haven’t bought any yarn in ‘07, yet. How ‘bout you?

It does seem like a good time to start things, doesn't it? But in spite of the hiatus from responsibilities wrought by the snow, the autofocus on 2007 has yet to kick in. (One hates to resolve to “finish the novel“ again. And again.) So we'll try a few small things:

1. Cut down on sugar. OK, so there's no sugar in my coffee this morning, and know what? It tastes like crap. Who knew coffee sucked rocks without sugar?

2. Make soap. While many of us write-knit-asana, few of us seem to make soap--even the goatherds among us. (Whaddya doing with all the goat's milk? Or shouldn't we ask?) Anyway, a personal problem (armpit itching) is once again making the use of commercial soap untenable, so it's back to the cauldron for me.

Like knitting, “soaping” can be a deliciously addicting pasttime--I was seriously addled for some years, hooked on the creamy lather and heady essential-oil blends. Regrettably, it also involves a rather gooey, sudsy cleanup, which tends to be off-putting when there's knitting to be done.

I'm a cold-process soaper, which involves mixing water, lye, olive and other oils, and then hoping for soap. It's a bit of a do, especially when it comes to sourcing the lye; in Colorado they assume nefarious activity involving the decomposition of bodies, so there are forms to sign and IDs to flash. But y'all have seen recent pictures of Mitch, so rest assured, the sodium hydroxide is used exclusively for the making of soap. Nake-id Soap is highly superfatted soap, which means I take a lye discount of about 8 to 10 percent. This means there are all these oily molecules still floating around in the soap. It doesn't last as long and the oil can go rancid if the soap isn't used quickly, but boy is it yummy.

If you've never made soap, I recommend Susan Miller Cavitch's The Soapmaker's Companion (you don't need to be the stickler for temperatures that Cavitch is, FYI) and Kathy Miller's web site. I've also used this online lye calculator with great success. And make friends with a stick blender you don't mind sticking into a vat of raw soap.

All this is a rather windy way of saying, I gotta make some soap. (Any other knitter-soapers out there? Just noticed Mississippi Moon on JenLa's blog roundup. Anyone else?)

3. Do more yoga. Perennial.

4. Buy some really expensive olive oil. Like we all need more decadence.

5. Find a volunteer gig. My mentor student's grown. I've resigned from the jazz board. Gotta find something new to do.

6. Design sweaters that are taking up space in my head.

That should do it for now. A hearty thank you to Jen/La for giving Nake-id Knits the Brain Candy Award in their Third Annual Knit Blog Awards. We try to keep things hopping over here. Mwah!

Practice safe champagne. Knit a bottle cozy. And call a cab.

Wine sack from Knit One Felt Too by Kathleen Taylor